Sometimes in the course of my employment I spend a lot of time on the road. Sometimes it's late at night and it's been a long day and I begin to wander in my thoughts. Some people call these shower thoughts; rightfully so. Have you ever noticed that sometimes when you get in the shower you begin to think about weird things that you don't normally think about? It's not like when our head hits the pillow, then we think about all the important things we did not accomplish that day or all the important things we have to do the next day. No, these are things that just randomly pop into your head and you have no idea why. Following are some of the better ones that have entered my consciousness.
The world is not full of idiots. But they are strategically placed so that you come across one every day.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your lives.
Why did Fred Flintstone even have a car? He's essentially doing the running but now with more weight.
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the reasons I have trust issues.
If you have sex with a prostitute and don't pay her, is that shoplifting?
He's a nice guy once you get to know him is a nice way of saying he's a jerk but you'll get used to it.
When we were single all we wanted was someone to spend time with. Now that were married we have to have Gǣme time."
They should make a candle that smells exactly like a candle that was just blown out.
Some days I wish I could reset my body to the factory defaults.
Grocery stores are just morgues for food.
If mermaids were real would they have domesticated seals like we do with dogs?
How awkward must it be when a real plumber shows up at a porn star's home?
If the police really wanted to deter speeding, they would park in the open where you could see them easily rather than hiding behind a bush waiting to catch you.
I was at Walmart earlier this week and saw a man pushing 15 shopping carts. I yelled at him that someone else might want to use a cart. Why did he cuss at me?
Decaf coffee? Would you like some orange free orange juice with that?
Why do people with a brain the size of a pea have a mouth the size of a watermelon?
Racist is a noun that means someone who wins an argument with a liberal.
When the brain and the heart fight, it is the liver that suffers.
Alcohol should be served in pouches like Capri Sun. When you cannot get the straw in the little hole you had enough.
I have more but I think that is enough for now. It probably convinces you beyond the shadow of a doubt that my brain is a little bit messed up.