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Terms of Service in an entertaining "tone of voice"

WEB SITE TERMS OF USE

Wow! You actually came to this page. Our lawyers made us include it and made us use a precious button on our home page to get you here. At first, we thought the lawyers were a real pain. But then we read the page. What a Net wakening! It's really important stuff. We took the legalese the lawyers wrote and translated it into readable English. So be a smart net head and read the stuff on this page. It could prevent you from hearing from our lawyers, or worse yet, from really nasty people, like prosecutors.

Here's the deal:

We run this site so that people like you (and people you like) can use it for personal entertainment, information, education, communication, and cyber gratification. So go ahead and browse around all you like. You can even download stuff from the site but only for non-commercial, personal use, and you are requested to put a link to the site, even if you are using it for non-commercial, personal use.

 If you do, though, don't fool around with the copyright and other notices all over the stuff. EVERYTHING ON THE SITE IS COPYRIGHTED TO THE GRANT COUNTY BEAT. The copyright notices are there for a really good reason. And don't even think about distributing, modifying, transmitting, reusing, re-posting, or anything else uncool with any of the stuff, including the text, images, audio, and video, for public or commercial purposes unless we give you written permission. And it's not likely we will, but you can ask.

If you visit our site, you're also legally obligated to [read: stuck with] the terms and conditions listed below and any other law or regulation that applies to the site, the Internet, the World Wide Web, or Los Angeles, CA. You shouldn't access or browse the site if you have any problem with that, because once you start, there's no turning back -- you are bound by [read: stuck with] the terms and conditions.

So here's the scoop on our Top Ten Rules for Cyber surfers who hang out on our site:

1.      For everyone's sake, just assume that everything on the site is copyrighted unless we say it's not. So you can't use the stuff except how we say you can on this page or anywhere else on the site without our written permission. And like we said before, it's not likely we'll give you permission anyway. In fact, even if we wanted to, the lawyers are likely to veto any deal anyway. So it's better you don't even ask.

2.      While we try to include accurate stuff on the site, we're not promising you it's accurate. In fact, we're not promising you anything except information. So if you use stuff on the site, you're using it at your own risk. Don't call us if there's a problem because we assume no liability or responsibility for errors or omissions on the site.

3.      We and anybody else who helped us create, produce, or deliver the site are not liable for any damages you suffer when you use it. In particular, the lawyers want you to know that our disclaimer includes "direct, incidental, consequential, indirect, or punitive damages arising out of your access to, or use of, the site. Without limiting the foregoing, everything on the site is provided to you 'AS IS' WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR NON INFRINGEMENT.

Please note that some jurisdictions may not allow the exclusion of implied warranties, so some of the above exclusions may not apply to you. Check your local laws for any restrictions or limitations regarding the exclusion of implied warranties. " Ugh! What a mouthful from the mouthpieces. We put all of that in quotes because we couldn't figure out any other way to say it that the lawyers would accept. But here's the bottom line -- we're not responsible if you're browsing around and the site damages you or your computer or infects it with any nasty viruses. We sure hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, don't call us.

4.      If you don't want the world to know something, don't post in on the site in any bulletin board or anyplace else. Don't email us personal information unless you expect it to be posted. That's because anything you disclose to us is ours. That's right -- ours. So we can do anything we want with the stuff you post. We can reproduce it, disclose it, transmit it, publish it, broadcast it, and post it someplace else. We can even send it to your mother (as soon as we find her address). Not only that, we can even use any ideas, concepts, know-how, or techniques you post any way we want to, including, developing, manufacturing and marketing products or other stuff using the information you post.

5.      Pictures of people or places shown on the site are either our property or someone else's property we're using with their permission. No matter what, it's definitely not your property. You or any of your net-friends can't use it unless we said you could on this page or somewhere else on the site. And guess what -- we won't say yes. So be careful, Bunky, because unauthorized use may violate all sorts of nasty laws. Be smart, keep the stuff you download to yourself.

6.      There's also a lot of trademarks, logos, and service marks on the site that either we own or we're using with someone else's permission. So don't think you have any kind of license or right to use them, because you don't and we're not about to give you one. If you don't leave them alone and if you mess with our trademarks, logos and service marks on our site, we'll probably go ballistic, so will the companies that own the other trademarks, logos and service marks. That means that we're likely to sue you or to ask a prosecutor to come after you for messing around with our property or the property of others.

7.      You'll probably notice we've linked our site to lots of others. While that's cool, it doesn't mean we've looked at all those sites, much less checked them out periodically to see what's going on. So don't blame us if some site you link to is bad or has stuff on it that offends you or your pets. Go ahead and link, but remember, you're doing it at your risk.

8.      That brings us to what you do on our own site. While we occasionally listen in on chat groups, or look at the posting in our discussion groups or on our bulletin boards, we take no responsibility and assume no liability for the content of those locations or for any mistakes, defamation, libel, slander, omissions, falsehoods, obscenity, pornography, or profanity you might encounter when you visit such places on our site. And don't be stupid by posting or transmitting any unlawful, threatening, libelous, defamatory, obscene, scandalous, inflammatory, pornographic, nasty, mean, or profane material or any material that law enforcement types may consider a criminal offense, get someone in court on a civil lawsuit, or for that matter violate any law -- anywhere, anytime. While we certainly respect your privacy, we have no choice but to fully cooperate with any law enforcement authorities or court which might ask us who might have posted nasty stuff on our site.

9.      Software that we use on this Site is protected by all sorts of patriotic U.S. laws. Because of that, you can't download or send the software to anyone in the vacation travel spots of Cuba, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Iran, Syria, or any other country where United States has embargoed goods; or (get this) to anyone on the United States Treasury Department's list of Specially Designated Nationals, the U.S. Commerce Department's Table of Deny Orders, or the FBI's Most Wanted Internet Creeps List (just kidding on the last one). As if that were not tough enough, if you live in or are a national of any of those lovely places, you're not even supposed to be reading this page, so get out of here!

10.     We're also allowed to change this page and anything else on the site any time we want to. That's because it's ours and we have the programmers who can do it. If we do change the page, then you're bound by [read: stuck with] those changes, too, whenever you visit our site.

11.       If either of us wants to make something of it and wants to "sue" (a dirty word) then we have to follow these rules of engagement. (sort of according to the Geneva Convention):

This Agreement is governed by the laws of the State of New Mexico, without regard to principles of conflict of laws.

To the extent you have in any manner violated or threatened to violate grantcountybeat.com and/or its affiliates' intellectual property rights, grantcountybeat.com and/or its affiliates may seek injunctive or other appropriate relief in any state or federal court in the State of New Mexico, and you consent to exclusive jurisdiction and venue in such courts.

Any other disputes will be resolved as follows:

If a dispute arises under this agreement, we agree to first try to resolve it with the help of a mutually agreed-upon mediator in the following location: Silver City NM. Any costs and fees other than attorney fees associated with the mediation will be shared equally by each of us.

If it proves impossible to arrive at a mutually satisfactory solution through mediation, we agree to submit the dispute to binding arbitration at the following location: Silver City NM, under the rules of the American Arbitration Association. Judgment upon the award rendered by the arbitration may be entered in any court with jurisdiction to do so.

If this all sounds kind of mean and undiplomatic, you should have seen what the lawyers gave to us in the first place. We had to remind them that human torture and sacrifice was outlawed in the United States. Boy, did they look disappointed!

02/02/2014
grantcountybeat.com

This WEBSITE TERMS OF USE Was Produced Using AutoWebLaw

Boring stuff

Advertising Compensation Affidavit
 
 
As per mandates from FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION, 16 CFR Part 255 - Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising, the purpose of this document is to establish any compensatory affiliation with Mary Alice Murphy and any advertising companies found on the pages of grantcountybeat.com.
 
The owner of grantcountybeat.com may earn compensation from the advertisers through your actions on this site, either from purchases resulting from the clicking of the ads found on the pages of grantcountybeat.com or from the clicking of the links themselves.
 
Advertising found on the pages of grantcountybeat.com is presented for the convenience of the reader without any implied or expressed warranty or recommendation of any kind. The owner or publisher of grantcountybeat.com has not reviewed the ads or products being presented herein, and therefore accepts no responsibility of any kind for them.
 
The clicking of any links found on the pages of grantcountybeat.com represents that the reader takes full responsibility for clicking on any ads and any resulting outcome from their actions concerning those ads, and shall not in any way hold the publishers, authors, or owners of grantcountybeat.com responsible for any outcome deriving from clicking on the links found on the pages of grantcountybeat.com
 
Although The Grant County Beat is interested in presenting you
with advertisements for quality products and services,
The Grant County Beat cannot spend the time to do the due diligence it
takes to ensure that only reliable services and products are
advertised with us.
 
So you should understand that The Grant County Beat does not
represent or endorse the accuracy or reliability of any of
the advertisements in our newsletter or the quality of any
products, information or other materials displayed,
purchased, or obtained by you as a result of an offer in
connection with any advertisement.
 
The Grant County Beat encourages you to do your own due
diligence before purchasing any product, whether it is
offered here or anywhere else for that matter, before
purchasing. Please use your own judgment and carefully
check out those products that interest you.
 
 
This Advertising Disclaimer Was Produced Using AutoWebLaw
 
We accept no responsibility whatsoever for the content or legality of any published articles, contained within The Grant County Beat. If you have a problem with the notice of arrests, contact the Silver City Police Department at 575-538-3723.
 
Legal Stuff...
 
We accept no responsibility whatsoever for the content,
profitability or legality of any published articles or
advertisements contained within The Grant County Beat.
 
And, although all of the articles have been selected for their
content, the publishing of such articles within this newsletter
does NOT constitute a recommendation of the products or
services mentioned or advertised within those articles.
 
Be responsible! Always do your own Due Diligence before
responding to any offer.
 
------------------------------------------------
 
We respect the privacy of our readers.
 
We will NEVER supply or sell your personal information to
any Third Party!
 
 
This Legal Disclaimer Was Produced Using AutoWebLaw
 
 
 
TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF USE
 
 
We have taken every effort to design our Web site to be useful, informative, helpful, honest and fun. Hopefully we've accomplished that and would ask that you let us know if you'd like to see improvements or changes that would make it even easier for you to find the information you need and want.
 
All we ask is that you agree to abide by the following Terms and Conditions. Take a few minutes to look them over because by using our site you automatically agree to them. Naturally, if you don't agree, please do not use the site. We reserve the right to make any modifications that we deem necessary at any time. Please continue to check these terms to see what those changes may be! Your continued use of the grantcountybeat.com Web site means that you accept those changes.
 
THANKS AGAIN FOR VISITING!
 
Restrictions on Use of Our Online Materials
 
All Online Materials on the grantcountybeat.com site, including, without limitation, text, software, names, logos, trademarks, service marks, trade names, images, photos, illustrations, audio clips, video clips, and music are copyrighted intellectual property. All usage rights are owned and controlled by grantcountybeat.com. You, the visitor, may download Online Materials for non-commercial, personal use only provided you 1) retain all copyright, trademark and propriety notices, 2) you make no modifications to the materials, 3) you do not use the materials in a manner that suggests an association with any of our products, services, events or brands, and 4) you do not download quantities of materials to a database, server, or personal computer for reuse for commercial purposes. You may not, however, copy, reproduce, republish, upload, post, transmit or distribute Online Materials in any way or for any other purpose unless you get our written permission first. Neither may you add, delete, distort or misrepresent any content on the grantcountybeat.com site. Any attempts to modify any Online Material, or to defeat or circumvent our security features is prohibited.
 
Everything you download, any software, plus all files, all images incorporated in or generated by the software, and all data accompanying it, is considered licensed to you by grantcountybeat.com or third-party licensors for your personal, non-commercial home use only. We do not transfer title of the software to you. That means that we retain full and complete title to the software and to all of the associated intellectual-property rights. You're not allowed to redistribute or sell the material or to reverse-engineer, disassemble or otherwise convert it to any other form that people can use.
 
Submitting Your Online Material to Us
 
All remarks, suggestions, ideas, graphics, comments, or other information that you send to grantcountybeat.com through our site (other than information we promise to protect under our privacy policy becomes and remains our property, even if this agreement is later terminated.
 
That means that we don't have to treat any such submission as confidential. You can't sue us for using ideas you submit. If we use them, or anything like them, we don't have to pay you or anyone else for them. We will have the exclusive ownership of all present and future rights to submissions of any kind. We can use them for any purpose we deem appropriate to our grantcountybeat.com mission, without compensating you or anyone else for them.
 
You acknowledge that you are responsible for any submission you make. This means that you (and not we) have full responsibility for the message, including its legality, reliability, appropriateness, originality, and copyright.
 
Limitation of Liability
 
grantcountybeat.com WILL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES OR INJURY THAT ACCOMPANY OR RESULT FROM YOUR USE OF ANY OF ITS SITE.
 
THESE INCLUDE (BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO) DAMAGES OR INJURY CAUSED BY ANY:
 
    USE OF (OR INABILITY TO USE) THE SITE
    USE OF (OR INABILITY TO USE) ANY SITE TO WHICH YOU HYPERLINK FROM OUR SITE
    FAILURE OF OUR SITE TO PERFORM IN THE MANNER YOU EXPECTED OR DESIRED
    ERROR ON OUR SITE
    OMISSION ON OUR SITE
    INTERRUPTION OF AVAILABILITY OF OUR SITE
    DEFECT ON OUR SITE
    DELAY IN OPERATION OR TRANSMISSION OF OUR SITE
    COMPUTER VIRUS OR LINE FAILURE
    PLEASE NOTE THAT WE ARE NOT LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING:
        DAMAGES INTENDED TO COMPENSATE SOMEONE DIRECTLY FOR A LOSS OR INJURY
        DAMAGES REASONABLY EXPECTED TO RESULT FROM A LOSS OR INJURY (KNOWN IN LEGAL TERMS AS "CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.")
        OTHER MISCELLANEOUS DAMAGES AND EXPENSES RESULTING DIRECTLY FROM A LOSS OR INJURY (KNOWN IN LEGAL TERMS AS "INCIDENTIAL DAMAGES.")
 
WE ARE NOT LIABLE EVEN IF WE'VE BEEN NEGLIGENT OR IF OUR AUTHORIZED REPRESENTATIVE HAS BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES OR BOTH.
 
EXCEPTION: CERTAIN STATE LAWS MAY NOT ALLOW US TO LIMIT OR EXCLUDE LIABILITY FOR THESE "INCIDENTAL" OR "CONSEQUENTIAL" DAMAGES. IF YOU LIVE IN ONE OF THOSE STATES, THE ABOVE LIMITATION OBVIOUSLY WOULD NOT APPLY WHICH WOULD MEAN THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE THE RIGHT TO RECOVER THESE TYPES OF DAMAGES.
 
HOWEVER, IN ANY EVENT, OUR LIABILITY TO YOU FOR ALL LOSSES, DAMAGES, INJURIES, AND CLAIMS OF ANY AND EVERY KIND (WHETHER THE DAMAGES ARE CLAIMED UNDER THE TERMS OF A CONTRACT, OR CLAIMED TO BE CAUSED BY NEGLIGENCE OR OTHER WRONGFUL CONDUCT, OR THEY'RE CLAIMED UNDER ANY OTHER LEGAL THEORY) WILL NOT BE GREATER THAN THE AMOUNT YOU PAID IF ANYTHING TO ACCESS OUR SITE.
 
Links to Other Site
 
We sometimes provide referrals to and links to other World Wide Web sites from our site. Such a link should not be seen as an endorsement, approval or agreement with any information or resources offered at sites you can access through our site. If in doubt, always check the Uniform Resource Locator (URL) address provided in your WWW browser to see if you are still in a grantcountybeat.com-operated site or have moved to another site. grantcountybeat.com is not responsible for the content or practices of third party sites that may be linked to our site. When grantcountybeat.com provides links or references to other Web sites, no inference or assumption should be made and no representation should be inferred that grantcountybeat.com is connected with, operates or controls these Web sites. Any approved link must not represent in any way, either explicitly or by implication, that you have received the endorsement, sponsorship or support of any grantcountybeat.com site or endorsement, sponsorship or support of grantcountybeat.com, including its respective employees, agents or directors.
 
Termination of This Agreement
 
This agreement is effective until terminated by either party. You may terminate this agreement at any time, by destroying all materials obtained from all grantcountybeat.com Web site, along with all related documentation and all copies and installations. grantcountybeat.com may terminate this agreement at any time and without notice to you, if, in its sole judgment, you breach any term or condition of this agreement. Upon termination, you must destroy all materials. In addition, by providing material on our Web site, we do not in any way promise that the materials will remain available to you. And grantcountybeat.com is entitled to terminate all or any part of any of its Web site without notice to you.
 
Jurisdiction and Other Points to Consider
 
If you use our site from locations outside of the United States, you are responsible for compliance with any applicable local laws.
 
These Terms of Use shall be governed by, construed and enforced in accordance with the laws of the New Mexico, as it is applied to agreements entered into and to be performed entirely within such jurisdiction.
 
To the extent you have in any manner violated or threatened to violate grantcountybeat.com and/or its affiliates' intellectual property rights, grantcountybeat.com and/or its affiliates may seek injunctive or other appropriate relief in any state or federal court in the State of New Mexico, and you consent to exclusive jurisdiction and venue in such courts.
 
Any other disputes will be resolved as follows:
 
If a dispute arises under this agreement, we agree to first try to resolve it with the help of a mutually agreed-upon mediator in the following location: Silver City NM. Any costs and fees other than attorney fees associated with the mediation will be shared equally by each of us.
 
If it proves impossible to arrive at a mutually satisfactory solution through mediation, we agree to submit the dispute to binding arbitration at the following location: Silver City NM, under the rules of the American Arbitration Association. Judgment upon the award rendered by the arbitration may be entered in any court with jurisdiction to do so.
 
grantcountybeat.com may modify these Terms of Use, and the agreement they create, at any time, simply by updating this posting and without notice to you. This is the ENTIRE agreement regarding all the matters that have been discussed.
 
This TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF USE Was Produced Using AutoWebLaw
 

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