Republican President Abraham Lincoln said, "I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends."

In this time of bitter divide in America isn't it time we use both our brain and our heart to ask, "What is the other side thinking?"

Yet what if the other side happened to be people in a country half a world away called North Korea?

Last year marked the 70th anniversary of the start of the Korean war. This 'undeclared war' which later got us hooked on the tv show "MASH" yep, #4077. We may have associated the Korean conflict with a zany medical army outfit on t.v. but in real life anything about this was anything but comic. The "Korean conflict" lasted just three years but in that time according to history.com website:

Nearly 5 million people died. More than half of these–about 10 percent of Korea's prewar population–were civilians. (This rate of civilian casualties was higher than World War II's and the Vietnam War's.)

Over 33,000 U.S. soldiers died during those 3 years and we had 8,100 missing servicemen.

In that spirit of remembrance and in lieu of International Peace Day, Tuesday Sept 21st, I chose to review the book "Eating With The Enemy How I Waged Peace with North Korea from my BBQ Shack in Hackensack" by Robert Egan and Kurt Pitzer.

This is a gripping true story of New Jersey resident, Robert "Bobby" Egan. Bobby was recruited as a private citizen by the F.B.I. At that time B.T. "Before Trump" not one American president had reached out to North Korea. Under the Clinton administration (1992) for example our U.S. government couldn't officially have diplomatic relations. As a private citizen (and restaurant owner) however and with the F.B.I.'s knowledge but not always support, Bobby could unofficially get to know the North Korean diplomats over a plate of free ribs and steaks. Officially known as the Democratic People's Republic of Korea or DPRK for short, their diplomats were stationed in New York as part of members of the U.N. delegation.

Bobby, a rugged all-American with a fierce streak of Independence, who liked to hunt, fish and wasn't afraid of what others might think of him, was the perfect man for the job! This American, with a huge curiousity of others, built bridges with diplomats and Ambassador Han by focusing on the other person. I assumed this entrepreneur-minded American would go into a situation with those DPRK delegates by asking himself a simple question: "What does the other side value?"

In an impoverished country like the DPRK, where statistics say that up to 80% of the population might be starving - gifts personally purchased by Bobby for the DPRK delegation included items like: vegetable seeds, Camel cigarettes, booze, candy bars w/nuts, multivitamins, even nicotine patches (to try to get the North Koreans to quit smoking) were highly valued. This was one of his first acts of goodwill. Gifts helped establish rapport and cooperation with the the delegation stationed in N.Y.

Another way Bobby connected was simply showing the North Korean diplomats a "good time" and doing things he himself enjoyed: hunting or renting a boat to go fishing. Photos like this are included in the book as well as others like Bobby meeting former presidential candidate Ross Perot. In another colorful story, DPRK Ambassador Han was invited to a Memorial Day BBQ. There at Bobby's father's house, the fireworks almost flew as the father was a "USA-All the way!" patriot, a former soldier who had a deep seated hatred for "those rotten commies!" This book scene was reminiscent of the classic movie, "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner".

Bobby's goodwill came back to help in spades even if his influence was from behind the scenes. On Dec. 17, 1994, a U.S. military Kiowa helicopter strayed into N. Korea airspace and was shot down by the North Korean military and war looked ominously imminent. Working effectively through back channels, using his influence with Ambassador Han and a signed letter by the N.Y. Giants players, Bobby was successful in getting the release of Chief Warrant Officer Bobby Hall and returning the American G.I. in time for New Year's Eve in America. No war in '94!

Bobby speculated his goodwill could help divert other future potential tragedies between the two nations giving Ambassador Han some advice:

"One of the biggest problems you have is how you are perceived by the American people. Everyone here sees you as a sponsor of terrorism. We need to help demystify your country."

More of Bobby's own words:
"No wonder diplomats do not get anywhere. There is no personal relationship. No warmth. Where I come from, we prefer a handshake deal. My people get to know each other over a bowl of pasta or a good plate of meat. We might negotiate something, but only if we have a good feeling for each other. We trust the other guy will follow through, not because we think he is a good person but because we took the time to understand his motivations."

This book showed me the secret of respect and dialogue between people of two "enemy nations."

Like a good BBQ sauce, relationships and influence are built on key ingredients like respect and understanding. What does the other person want, fear or need?

Would you take a member of "the enemy" quail shootings? Or invite them to a public New Jersey Nets basketball game and request the announcer ask the fans to "Give a New Jersey welcome to our friends from the U.N.- the representatives of the DPRK!"

On the book's back cover it states: "Over 12 years, private citizen Egan played a high-stakes diplomatic battle between the U.S. and North Korea. With a mobster's street smarts he challenges the idea that the U.S. should not have relations with its adversaries. The intense yet unlikely friendship between him and Ambassador Han provides hope for a better relations between enemy nations."

I found reading "Eating With the Enemy" gave me a better understand of how to connect with with people from a differnt culture, different religion or different political viewpoint.

This was a wonderful read from the perspective of a self-made man, who made a positive change in the world.

—Charles Rein