Nuacht Aoir
Grant And Hidalgo Counties Next On List
The Administration of President Joseph Biden has plans to "relocate" dozens of wolverines to Catron County in the coming weeks. (This photograph was provided courtesy of the Mountain-Prairie Region of the U S Fish & Wildlife Service through the National Park Service, December 10, 2010.)
Continuing our exclusive reporting on the plans of the Administration of President Joseph Biden, Nuacht Aoir has learned – exclusively – that wolverines are about to be "re-introduced" to the wilds of Catron County. After these new residents get acclimated to communities in that county, wolverines are then scheduled to be "re-introduced" to Grant and Hidalgo Counties.
According to a statement from the U S Fish & Wildlife Service, adult male North American wolverines each weigh 26 to 40 pounds, while adult female North American wolverines weigh 17 to 26 pounds each.
"It resembles a small bear with a bushy tail," noted this statement from the Federal agency. "It has a round, broad head; short, rounded ears; and small eyes. There are five toes on each foot, with curved and semiretractile claws used for digging and climbing..."
The Federal agency reported that wolverines are currently living in the wild in California, Colorado, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, Oregon, Utah, Washington, and Wyoming.
None are reported today to be living in the wild in New Mexico.
The National Park Service on August 30, 2021, reported that "wolverines are powerful, aggressive, territorial, and tenacious. They make their living by being very efficient scavengers. Wolverines are built to rip into and feed on frozen flesh and bone. They have strong teeth and well-developed muscles in their head, neck, and shoulders."
"Wolverines rely on a diversity of prey and they will eat just about any type of meat that they can find or kill," the statement from the National Park Service continued. "They eat smaller mammals such as ground squirrels and rodents when they can capture them and are capable of capturing and killing prey that is much larger than themselves such as a moose or caribou. However, more often than killing, wolverines will scavenge carcasses of animals killed by other predators, drag them away from the kill sites, and cache them for later use."
On November 23, 2022, the U S Fish & Wildlife Service reported that the North American wolverine is being considered to be listed as a "Threatened Species."
In a separate report issued by the U S Forest Service, this agency indicated that "wolverines are rare carnivores that occupy deep-snow, high-elevation environments…They occur at low densities across their range, and are difficult to study."
This report stated that GPS technology has been used "...to evaluate the impacts of winter recreationists on [wolverine] movements…[and that that research indicated] that wolverines may be more tolerant to recreation than previously believed when selecting home ranges. Many rural communities throughout the western U S depend on revenues from winter recreation. These tourist dollars are enormously important to local economies and life-styles..."
The Administration of President Biden is using the report from the U S Forest Service as its basis for the "re-introduction" of wolverines to this section of New Mexico.
"President Biden views the efforts to bring wolverines back to Catron County to be part of the Administration's efforts to enhance economic development of the tourism industry in the region," according to an aide to President Biden.
It may be difficult for local residents, though, to consider wolverines to be beneficial for the local tourism efforts.
Even the aide to the President indicated that life might need to change for local folks.
"We encourage residents in southwestern New Mexico to avoid nighttime walks in the woods," according to the aide to President Biden. "Residents might actually want to avoid daytime walks in the woods, too. Maybe even walks around their residential neighborhoods. We think that indoor walking is a wonderful alternative for the local residents to consider."
"Wolverines are very friendly little critters," the Presidential aide continued. "In particular, Chris the Wolverine and Terry the Wolverine enjoy being petted. Other than Chris and Terry, we don't recommend petting most wolverines."
When Nuacht Aoir asked how area residents would know which of the wolverines was Chris and which one was Terry, the aide to President Biden shrugged his shoulders: "I have no comment."
Please note that experts on wolverines contacted by Nuacht Aoir have been unanimous in their views: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PET A WOLVERINE. DO NOT GO ANYWHERE NEAR A WOLVERINE.
The Presidential aide indicated that he would recommend people be cautious, but he again noted that "Chris and Terry enjoy being petted."
Nuacht Aoir asked the aide to the President for photos of "Chris" and "Terry." The photograph provided by that aide, though, appeared to be of two hairy people wearing t-shirts with "Wolverine" on the clothing – not wolverines in the wild.
When asked about the discrepancy, the Presidential aide railed against the discrimination faced by wolverines.
"Michigan people are always being discriminated against when they visit New Mexico," the aide said. "The President stands against all discrimination of wolverines."
When Nuacht Aoir stated that Michigan residents are not actually wolverines, the Presidential aide grew incensed: "You news media types continue to divide our country. The President brings everyone together. Wolverines will not tolerate any more discrimination by residents of southwestern New Mexico."
When pressed that there is a difference between Michigan human residents who call themselves "wolverines" and the animal with sharp claws that are "wolverines," the Presidential aide became even more angry.
"How dare you say that good Americans from the State of Michigan have claws," the aide said. "The President finds this type of stereotype to be offensive."
After taking a break and drinking a tall glass of Almond Milk with Oat Extract sprinkled with Nutmeg, the Presidential aide seemed to calm down quite a bit.
"Our Administration is encouraging residents of Catron County to welcome their new neighbors," the aide to the President commented. "We are initiating programs for New Mexicans to provide foster care for these furry critters and eventually adopt a wolverine."
"Afterall, since all you people are 'new' Mexicans, you should welcome other newcomers to the region," the aide stated.
When Nuacht Aoir noted that New Mexico has been a formal territory of the United States of America since 1850, has been a distinct state since 1912, and that a number of residents of New Mexico are descended from families that have lived here long before the U S was even founded, the aide shrugged his shoulders again: "I don't know that those are factual statements. I have no further comments."
With that, the Presidential aide turned around and walked out of the interview – actually, he ran like he was being chased by a wolverine – leaving behind a stack of applications for people to join "President Joe's Foster Care Program for Wolverines" and "President Joe's Adopt-A-Wolverine Program."
Wolverines are coming to Catron County in the next few weeks. (This photograph was provided courtesy of Manfred Antranias Zimmer through Pixabay, July 12, 2022.)
Contact Richard McDonough at nuachtaoir@protonmail.com.
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© 2023 Richard McDonough