by Peter Burrows elburropete@gmail.com 7/17/19

Nothing says a Jewish boy from Brooklyn can’t become a Muslim, and that is what I would recommend Jeffrey Epstein do, ASAP. Epstein, in case you’ve missed it, is a very rich, big-shot Democrat who has just been charged with sex trafficking.

It probably involves minor girls, which would jive with Epstein’s record. Back in 2008, he managed to avoid conviction on federal charges involving at least 40 teenage girls, some as young as 14, by pleading guilty to state charges in a deal that required him to register as a sex offender and spend 13 months in jail.

That little slap on the wrist was arranged by then-Miami attorney Alexander Acosta, who has just resigned as Trump’s Labor Secretary in the wake of the new charges against Epstein. Whether that’s fair to Acosta or not, I don’t know. Neither do I know if Epstein’s punishment back in 2008 was the best that prosecutors could do.

It is rumored that Epstein has compromising photos of some of his powerful friends, which might explain the wrist slap. I sincerely hope that is not the case. That is a nonpartisan hope. We have too many problems to be distracted by tabloid sensations, especially those involving ex-presidents.

You’re probably thinking, “OK, Burro, what has all this got to do with Epstein becoming a Muslim?”

Elementary, my dear Watson. Since Muslims are allowed to marry girls as young as nine, Epstein broke none of ALLAH’s laws. He was simply courting the young ladies. The Koran, the forever word of Allah, in verse 65.4 clearly allows prepubescent marriage, and Verse 33.21 allows Muslim men to marry girls as young as six and to begin having sex with them when they are nine.

Epstein isn’t out of the Islamic woods though, because Allah’s punishment for out-of-wedlock fornication is to be flogged “with a hundred lashes” and that would be for each girl. (Forty girls?!) Furthermore, Verse 24:2 in the Koran goes on to say, “And let not tenderness for them (those being lashed) deter you,” which is Allah’s way of commanding the lasher, “Give him a good ass whuppin’, boy.”

However, Epstein could avoid the four thousand or so lashes by referring to Verse 24:13, which says four witnesses are needed to prove a charge of fornication. The most cited book of Islamic law, The Reliance of the Travellor, expands on this Koranic verse in section o24.9 on page 693, which says four MALE witnesses must testify “that they saw the offender insert the head of his penis into her vagina.”

One is struck by both the explicitness of the law as well as the near impossibility of getting four guys to admit they were watching something like that. OMG, as the kids would tweet. Note that Islamic law punishes the act, regardless of age, while Western law focuses on the age, not the act. Thus, Epstein the Muslim would skate, while Epstein the infidel goes to jail.

The only question is if Epstein’s conversion to Islam would protect him from the Infidel “crimes” he committed before he became a Muslim. Does the First Amendment to the Constitution protect Epstein only AFTER he becomes a Muslim? Does the Constitution protect him at all?

Those are questions I would like to see addressed, and that is why I recommended Epstein convert to Islam, ASAP. He could plead not guilty to all the charges and cite the First Amendment’s protection of religion as his defense.

He can probably count on support from the ACLU, especially the ACLU of New Mexico, which once had a Muslim on its board of directors. In fact, I think the national ACLU has a Muslim or two on its board right now, which means they could support his religious right to be a pedophile all the way to the Supreme Court.

You’re thinking, “The ACLU is not going to do that. What kind of an idiot are you, Burro??!!”

Just an idiot who wants to see to what extent the First Amendment will be used to protect the inherent criminality of the religion of Islam. Epstein-as-Muslim is only a metaphor, but an apt one. And don’t count on the ACLU to do the morally correct thing when it comes to Islam. The ACLU is dedicated to being politically correct, which means Islam cannot be criticized.