A front-page article the Beat posted today made me write this article.
As the only daughter of a mother, who became slowly demented because of strokes, but who lived about 16 hours driving away or a day's worth of flying, I made regular trips, every couple of months to see her and see how she was faring.
What I didn't realize at the time was that the demented are very clever at covering up their weaknesses. Several times we had to take her to the emergency room for some imagined illness, or in one case, when she didn't turn up at church, and hadn't called anyone to tell them she wouldn't be there, a group of her church friends came and pounded on her door until she finally answered.
My mother had become ill with a urinary-tract infection, which is not uncommon in older folks, but just thought she could treat it by not drinking water .so it didn't hurt to pee. The church friends got her to the hospital, and she recovered quickly with IV fluids.
Our doctor daughter had warned us that her grandmother shouldn't be living by herself, but any mention of going to assisted living received a flat out NO from my mother.
I had her put me on her financial statements and got me access to her bank. I left her with a checkbook.
It's a long, concerning, sad story, that included her being robbed financially, but finally we tricked her into going into assisted living. I took her to several places, and she said no to most, but one, she told me: "When I need to, I would like to go to this place." Within a month, we moved her into a very nice room, with very nice facilities.
At this point, I left cash with the facility, so if she needed to buy something at the store, they would help her with the money, but I paid her expenses with her money through the bank. I also had all her mail forwarded to me, because she was receiving many political and other organization solicitations that she thought were bills. She had been a very good donor, much to their delight I'm sure, but I was horrified.
Through her donations and being taken advantage of by unscrupulous people in her area, she was robbed of many thousands of dollars, a few dollars at a time. May there be a special place in Hell for those who take advantage of the elderly!
My aunt once described my mother as the most naïve person she had every known. Very true and not only that, but mother trusted just about everyone.
The day she called me to ask me if I could take her to her doctor's appointment the next day, I knew I had to bring her closer to me, which we did. I was working full time and it wasn't fair to have my husband take care of her, so I put her in a home here where they had small dogs that would visit her. She always loved her dogs. I visited her every day and would bring her to our house at least once a week. One morning a couple of months past a year later, after I had told her, once again the day before, how much I loved her, she didn't wake up.
May we all rest in peace that way.
But, please, if you have neighbors or elderly relatives that get cantankerous because of dementia, because my mother did, and I sometimes over-reacted much to my shame, keep in touch with them. They don't understand what they are doing and saying. They are not the persons we remember. And try to be patient with them. I know for a fact how hard that is.