By Mike Bibb
As if I already don't have sufficient brains to figure out all the computerized sensors, buzzers and gizmos on my car, now I'm hearing the 2027 models are going to be equipped with a "kill switch."
Sounds like the nickname of a Chicago mobster — Tony "Kill Switch" Rossetti.
No doubt, this new "safety" feature will increase the vehicle's MSRP — "Manufacturer's Suggested Retail Price" — which is already ten times more than my net worth.
If it wasn't for the bank's lenient 132-month auto loans @ 28%, I probably couldn't afford to drive my used, low mileage, 1999 Pontiac Catalina I bought just before all the computers were supposed to crash on New Year's Day, 2000.
It's now May, 2026 and it costs about $119.46 to top the tank. Luckly, I only have to fill up with 86 octane two or three times a week. A 365 horse power, 483 cubic inch V8 engine averaging 7 mpg, doesn't get the extended range it used to.
Affecting the declining gas mileage is the unmistakable presence of clouds of white smoke billowing out the tailpipe — a good indication I should have replaced the piston rings five or six years ago.
However, an extra case of 30w-50 Pennzoil tossed in the trunk keeps me going between station visits.
Plus, another inconvenience is I have to turn my neck around to see where I'm backing, but at least, the dashboard doesn't beep and flash warning signals that my right rear door is slightly ajar.
Only because, the door handle is broken and I'm still searching eBay for a similar facsimile. Replacement parts for a classic four-door Pontiac sedan aren't easily available — or cheap.
A guy sold me a lightly used Subaru driver side door handle last summer, saying it would work on the rear door of a Pontiac because "Subaru," in Japanese, means "Pontiac."
Apparently, he was mistaken.
I even asked a local mechanic if he could attach the thing. After intently studying the differences between my damaged Pontiac door handle and the Subaru's, he looked up and in a calm voice reassured me "Mike, I've longed suspected you're not quite right in the head, but to expect me to make a Subaru door handle fit a clunky '99 Pontiac is beyond disbelief. Not even a Democrat would ask such a stupid question!"
As a result, the Subaru handle is still resting in the Catalina's glove box.
Fortunately, the car is only 27 years old and Arizona plates and registration are finally under a thousand dollars annually. So, I'm actually saving money in the long run.
However, I expect the day is approaching when I'll be forced to buy a new vehicle. I also realize it will have so much stuff on it, and cost hundreds of thousands of dollars that any chance of paying it off before arriving at the gate of Saint Peter is not likely.
Especially, if it rolls off the assembly line with a "kill switch" as part of the standard equipment package.
Just the mention of kill switch seems ominous, and certainly not a very convincing sales feature.
Can't imagine I'd ever ask a car salesperson if they have any new vehicles with the exclusive kill switch option?
"Yes, sir, we do. It's now required for 2027 models" he reminded me. "It's a new safety device, guaranteeing the car shuts down, or won't start, if it senses you may be driving 'impaired', or seen leaving Bro' Burt's Buckboard & Big Bicep Bar after 1:45 in the morning.
So, I guess, if I'm weaving in-and-out of Phoenix traffic — motoring along at 87 MPH (no one goes the posted speed limit, including the cops) — and the car suddenly decides a heart attack is about to ruin my day and severs the engine's electrical supply, then I may acknowledge if the seizure won't do me in, the kill switch will.
Of course, insurance claims will be of little advantage, since the onboard black box has already recorded my aching chest, near loss of consciousness, excessive speed and coasting to the curb as engine power and steering ability is reduced to zero.
After spending a week or nine days in the ER, and comforted the kill switch actually saved my life, I'm happy to report the near $373,514.68 combined hospital bills is partially paid by my Obam Care and Medicare accounts — with donations from family and friends.
Leaving me a $24,688.17 copay, with a balance due of only $129,633.25.
Now, I hear business is so good that the community needs a whole new hospital to handle the throngs of folks requiring medical attention — flu vaccines, hip replacements, lung transplants, birthing assistance, gunshot wounds, paddle ball concussions and Narcan nasal inhalants for those who have adverse reactions while vaping medically approved faux stimulants.
No one is sure what construction costs of the hospital facility will total, but a guesstimate is around $133,000,000 to $157,000,000 — give or take $35-$64 million.
With the addition of "kill switch" patients, I'm reasonably certain one, maybe two additional wings will soon be discussed during monthly board meetings.
Factoring all these circumstances, and doing the math of maintaining my old Pontiac (without a kill switch) versus a new 2027, $118,374 Stellantis Ram 2500, 4X4 diesel pickup, I'm giving serious consideration to a "previously driven," battery powered EV skateboard, costing 15 cents a kilowatt hour to recharge, might be a viable contender as my next personal vehicle purchase.
Also, there won't be any extra room for passengers, including the wife or grandkids. I can cruise in semi-silence — wind blowing over my hairless scalp and flaunting newly inked Harley-Davidson neck tattoos.
Life can be better — without a kill switch — or a 483 cubic inch Pontiac Cat. Even if it does burn only two quarts of oil every 175-215 miles.
