Porch Pirate Brigades
Confessions Of A Porch Pirate
Nuacht Aoir has learned – exclusively – that the "Gila Regional Porch Pirate Brigade" is in the process of being established. Its goal is to serve the residents of Catron, Grant, Hidalgo, and Luna Counties as they fight the scourge of thieves who steal packages from residences and motor vehicles in Southwest New Mexico.
In addition, Nuacht Aoir has also learned – exclusively, of course – that a (recently) reformed thief – George Jones – is offering advice to the founder of this new business.
(Please note that "George Jones" is a pseudonym. Nuacht Aoir agreed to provide cover to this individual in order to secure quotes for this news column.)
Mr. Jones noted that his background as a (recently) reformed thief provided him with great insights into the minds of people who steal for a living.
"I understand the motivations of the typical thief," Mr. Jones explained. "No one I know really wants to work. Our parents taught us that we are victims of the system. 'Systemic this,' 'Systemic that.' It's all the same."
"Most people my age don't see any value in having to get up early in the morning and work for 'the man,'" Mr. Jones continued. "The first time I went to work and got my initial paycheck, I asked my boss who was FICO and why was FICO taking part of my money. To say I was shocked was an understatement. As someone who went to college for a couple years, I was never taught about FICO."
Mr. Jones said that "after having all of my living expenses paid for by my mom and dad, I wasn't about to share my paycheck with FICO. No siree."
Instead of keeping that job, Mr. Jones decided to quit. Of course, he didn't call his employer to let them know of his decision. He just didn't show up the following week.
"I figured my boss was smart enough to realize I wasn't going to keep working under those conditions," Mr. Jones stated. "Why waste my time responding to his telephone calls and text messages? He's just a tool. A tool of the man."
While Mr. Jones did not detail exactly when his parents realized he didn't intend to work for a living, it was likely sometime after the U S Supreme Court ruled that the Administration of President Joseph (Joe) Biden could not unilaterally waive large amounts of debt incurred by former college students.
"My parents got on me about having to pay for college loans," said Mr. Jones. "I didn't take out any college loans. They prepared the documents – just asked me to sign in a couple places. They wanted a college graduate. It wasn't my fault that those teachers didn't understand that I had been systemically harmed and couldn't succeed because the system is stacked against me. Afterall, I didn't even get a degree for all my efforts."
"Even the President said people like me were getting taken advantage of by the colleges and the lenders," continued Mr. Jones. "Now President Biden says there's nothing he can do to cancel the debt of my parents. He promised. I'm holding him to his commitment."
Without a steady income from gainful employment, Mr. Jones sought out other ways to get money.
He saw how delivery people left packages on the porches of houses in his neighborhood.
He noticed that some of those packages sat on the stoops for hours.
He decided to grab one of the packages.
He walked up to the first house, he noted, like he was a door-to-door salesman and knocked on the door – "just like those religious people knocking on your door."
When no one answered, he bent down, picked up the package, and walked down the street.
"I didn't run," Mr. Jones explained. "I figured it was better to just walk like I was the one going to deliver a package to someone's home. I didn't want to call attention to myself."
"And it worked," he continued. "No one stopped me. Not even the old folks on the bench."
From that day on – until he was caught by local law enforcement – Mr. Jones found ways to resell the goods he stole from area homes.
"It's amazing the people that would buy brand new products from me," stated Mr. Jones. "Most didn't even ask why my name was different from the name from the box they were buying. One dude that did just winked at me and told me to let him know if I 'found' similar products for sale."
"After I was arrested, I was approached by someone who offered me a Benjamin for my thoughts on thefts," Mr. Jones continued. "I was just coming off a two-hour buzz so I grabbed the bill and talked with the guy."
In the next edition of Nuacht Aoir, further information of the Gila Regional Porch Pirate Brigade will be detailed.
For further information, please click here.
Contact Richard McDonough at email@example.com.
If your email does not go through, please contact firstname.lastname@example.org.
© 2023 Richard McDonough