Nuacht Aoir

Porch Pirate Brigades
Confessions Of A Porch Pirate
Part One

confessions of a porch pirate

Nuacht Aoir has learned – exclusively – that the "Gila Regional Porch Pirate Brigade" is in the process of being established. Its goal is to serve the residents of Catron, Grant, Hidalgo, and Luna Counties as they fight the scourge of thieves who steal packages from residences and motor vehicles in Southwest New Mexico.

In addition, Nuacht Aoir has also learned – exclusively, of course – that a (recently) reformed thief – George Jones – is offering advice to the founder of this new business.

(Please note that "George Jones" is a pseudonym. Nuacht Aoir agreed to provide cover to this individual in order to secure quotes for this news column.)

Mr. Jones noted that his background as a (recently) reformed thief provided him with great insights into the minds of people who steal for a living.

"I understand the motivations of the typical thief," Mr. Jones explained. "No one I know really wants to work. Our parents taught us that we are victims of the system. 'Systemic this,' 'Systemic that.' It's all the same."

"Most people my age don't see any value in having to get up early in the morning and work for 'the man,'" Mr. Jones continued. "The first time I went to work and got my initial paycheck, I asked my boss who was FICO and why was FICO taking part of my money. To say I was shocked was an understatement. As someone who went to college for a couple years, I was never taught about FICO."

Mr. Jones said that "after having all of my living expenses paid for by my mom and dad, I wasn't about to share my paycheck with FICO. No siree."

Instead of keeping that job, Mr. Jones decided to quit. Of course, he didn't call his employer to let them know of his decision. He just didn't show up the following week.

"I figured my boss was smart enough to realize I wasn't going to keep working under those conditions," Mr. Jones stated. "Why waste my time responding to his telephone calls and text messages? He's just a tool. A tool of the man."

While Mr. Jones did not detail exactly when his parents realized he didn't intend to work for a living, it was likely sometime after the U S Supreme Court ruled that the Administration of President Joseph (Joe) Biden could not unilaterally waive large amounts of debt incurred by former college students.

"My parents got on me about having to pay for college loans," said Mr. Jones. "I didn't take out any college loans. They prepared the documents – just asked me to sign in a couple places. They wanted a college graduate. It wasn't my fault that those teachers didn't understand that I had been systemically harmed and couldn't succeed because the system is stacked against me. Afterall, I didn't even get a degree for all my efforts."

"Even the President said people like me were getting taken advantage of by the colleges and the lenders," continued Mr. Jones. "Now President Biden says there's nothing he can do to cancel the debt of my parents. He promised. I'm holding him to his commitment."

Without a steady income from gainful employment, Mr. Jones sought out other ways to get money.

He saw how delivery people left packages on the porches of houses in his neighborhood.

He noticed that some of those packages sat on the stoops for hours.

He decided to grab one of the packages.

He walked up to the first house, he noted, like he was a door-to-door salesman and knocked on the door – "just like those religious people knocking on your door."

When no one answered, he bent down, picked up the package, and walked down the street.

"I didn't run," Mr. Jones explained. "I figured it was better to just walk like I was the one going to deliver a package to someone's home. I didn't want to call attention to myself."

"And it worked," he continued. "No one stopped me. Not even the old folks on the bench."

From that day on – until he was caught by local law enforcement – Mr. Jones found ways to resell the goods he stole from area homes.

"It's amazing the people that would buy brand new products from me," stated Mr. Jones. "Most didn't even ask why my name was different from the name from the box they were buying. One dude that did just winked at me and told me to let him know if I 'found' similar products for sale."

"After I was arrested, I was approached by someone who offered me a Benjamin for my thoughts on thefts," Mr. Jones continued. "I was just coming off a two-hour buzz so I grabbed the bill and talked with the guy."

In the next edition of Nuacht Aoir, further information of the Gila Regional Porch Pirate Brigade will be detailed.

For further information, please click here.

Contact Richard McDonough at

If your email does not go through, please contact

© 2023 Richard McDonough

Content on the Beat

WARNING: All articles and photos with a byline or photo credit are copyrighted to the author or photographer. You may not use any information found within the articles without asking permission AND giving attribution to the source. Photos can be requested and may incur a nominal fee for use personally or commercially.

Disclaimer: If you find errors in articles not written by the Beat team but sent to us from other content providers, please contact the writer, not the Beat. For example, obituaries are always provided by the funeral home or a family member. We can fix errors, but please give details on where the error is so we can find it. News releases from government and non-profit entities are posted generally without change, except for legal notices, which incur a small charge.

NOTE: If an article does not have a byline, it was written by someone not affiliated with the Beat and then sent to the Beat for posting.

Images: We have received complaints about large images blocking parts of other articles. If you encounter this problem, click on the title of the article you want to read and it will take you to that article's page, which shows only that article without any intruders. 

New Columnists: The Beat continues to bring you new columnists. And check out the old faithfuls who continue to provide content.

Newsletter: If you opt in to the Join GCB Three Times Weekly Updates option above this to the right, you will be subscribed to email notifications with links to recently posted articles.

Submitting to the Beat

Those new to providing news releases to the Beat are asked to please check out submission guidelines at They are for your information to make life easier on the readers, as well as for the editor.

Advertising: Don't forget to tell advertisers that you saw their ads on the Beat.

Classifieds: We have changed Classifieds to a simpler option. Check periodically to see if any new ones have popped up. Send your information to and we will post it as soon as we can. Instructions and prices are on the page.

Editor's Notes

It has come to this editor's attention that people are sending information to the Grant County Beat Facebook page. Please be aware that the editor does not regularly monitor the page. If you have items you want to send to the editor, please send them to Thanks!

Here for YOU: Consider the Beat your DAILY newspaper for up-to-date information about Grant County. It's at your fingertips! One Click to Local News. Thanks for your support for and your readership of Grant County's online news source—

Feel free to notify if you notice any technical problems on the site. Your convenience is my desire for the Beat.  The Beat totally appreciates its readers and subscribers!  

Compliance: Because you are an esteemed member of The Grant County Beat readership, be assured that we at the Beat continue to do everything we can to be in full compliance with GDPR and pertinent US law, so that the information you have chosen to give to us cannot be compromised.