Nuacht Aoir
Porch Pirate Brigades
How To Provide "Beautiful" Gifts For Thieves
Part Two
"Dorthea" may have been in the vanguard of the planning for the Porch Pirate Brigade. (The photograph was provided courtesy of Campbell through Flickr, September 7, 2015.)
As noted in a previous edition, Nuacht Aoir has learned – exclusively – that the "Gila Regional Porch Pirate Brigade" is in the process of being established. Its goal is to serve the residents of Catron, Grant, Hidalgo, and Luna Counties as they fight the scourge of thieves who steal packages from residences and motor vehicles in Southwest New Mexico.
"We modeled our business plans after the habits of squirrels," said Ryanne Smith. "Squirrels are quite crafty little buggers."
(Please note that "Ryanne Smith" is a pseudonym. Nuacht Aoir agreed to allow the individual to utilize a fictitious name to detail the new business prior to it securing the necessary licenses to operate in the region.)
He explained that squirrels are always looking for food. They will watch an area, waiting for the right time to pounce and grab a tasty treat.
Porch pirates use similar techniques as they ply their trade.
Mr. Smith stated that he interviewed George Jones and other (recently) reformed thieves: "These individuals provided me with great insights into the minds of people who steal for a living."
(Please note that "George Jones" is also a pseudonym. Nuacht Aoir agreed, as noted in the previous edition, to provide cover to that individual in order to secure quotes for the news column.)
"'Gila Regional Porch Pirate Brigade' is the tentative name we're using for our new service," said Mr. Smith. "We want to start small and then grow the business. We anticipate building an international juggernaut headquartered in the wilds of Catron County."
The business, as detailed by Mr. Smith, will have two main types of services: "Regular Service" that will provide boxes of what the firm calls "beautiful gifts for thieves" and "Premium Service" that will provide those boxes with GPS tracking devices.
"We anticipate offering several types of boxes," Mr. Smith stated. "Our 'Lemon Box' will include 20 pounds of used kitty litter. The box used will be a plain, brown box with the (almost) name of a major retailer. We'll misspell the name of the retailer to avoid any copyright infringements, of course."
"Our 'Avocado Box" will include 17.5 pounds of dog droppings," continued Mr. Smith. "We'll also include a simple air freshener stick in the box to camouflage any lingering smells."
Other boxes planned to be offered include the "Apple Blossom Box" and the "Teakwood Box," he detailed. The first one will include 12 used diapers, while the second one will include 15 pounds of kitchen waste that had been placed in a compost pile for a minimum of 30 days. Air freshener sticks will be included in each of these boxes.
"Porch pirates that steal our boxes will have 'beautiful gifts' to open," said Mr. Smith. "It may not stop all of them from stealing again, but it should provide a cautionary tale for some of the thieves."
In addition to the boxes, Gila Regional Porch Pirate Brigade anticipates offering customers the ability to track their boxes.
"We hope to include a GPS device in each of our premium boxes," Mr. Smith stated. "With our premium service, we'll be able to monitor the activities of the thieves."
Beyond the two services designed to fight porch pirates, the Gila Regional Porch Pirate Brigade is looking at offering services to fight thefts from cars.
"We'll be offering both our Regular Service and our Premium Service with Ultra options," Mr. Smith said. "With the Ultra option, each of our four types of boxes will be wrapped in beautiful gift wrap paper. We have already purchased large quantities of gift paper with a variety of unique designs."
"Our customers will be able to leave these boxes in their unlocked cars, SUVs, and pickup trucks," continued Mr. Smith. "Imagine the surprise that the thieves will experience when they open our beautiful gifts."
Mr. Smith indicated that he is seeking a structure to store the contents for the boxes. Once the building is secured, he explained that the firm will then strive to secure the needed materials – used kitty litter, dog droppings, used diapers, and kitchen waste from compost piles.
He concluded the interview with Nuacht Aoir by stating that "We envision great potential for the Gila Regional Porch Pirate Brigade."
For further information, please click here.
https://www.twocents.news/nuacht-aoir-is-irish-for-satirical-news
(Photo of squirrel on fence)
One of the techniques reviewed of early alerts for porch pirates could have come from "Thom." He's seen here perched on a fence watching for any happenings in his territory.
(The photograph was provided courtesy of Cindy Gustafson through Flickr, June 16, 2018.)
Contact Richard McDonough at nuachtaoir@protonmail.com.
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© 2023 Richard McDonough